Really Halloween


Amanda’s parents dressed her up like a vampire for Halloween.  A poor life choice, in retrospect, though cursed objects activating is a reasonably low concern on the parent-paranoia scale.

The thing about toddlers is that they have no impulse control.  Add an insatiable thirst for blood and what Amanda’s parents have is an awkward conversation with Becky the Babysitter’s parents in their future.  Becky would like to think that Amanda’s parents didn’t realize that their darling baby would turn into an actual adorable little blood sucking fiend twenty minutes after they left for their party.  She knew it the moment it happened.  Apparently the bunny ears she suddenly REALLY had also gave her a rabbit’s sixth sense about danger.

She’d also like to think that tiny adorable toddlers can’t rip the door off the closet, but wishes don’t build impenetrable hiding-places.

Becky the Babysitter doesn’t have long to contemplate these issues, because Amanda is always hungry and cranky when she wakes up from a nap.  Her one consolation in her final moments was that Amanda’s dad was now literally an ass, where before he was only figuratively so.

Mrs Kimbell down the street regretted her Lady Godiva costume almost as quickly as Amanda’s dad regretted his.  Next year she’d find a better way to show off the fact that she’d lost all the baby weight.  October is not the right month for the emperor’s new clothes.

Amanda is less hungry when she leaves the house, but, to reiterate, lacks impulse control.  Mrs. Kimbell’s extra long hair slows her down, though, frankly, it’s unlikely she’d have escaped even without it.

Her next snack is the Johnstons’ dog.  Vampires might not drink animal blood, but Mippy had become two very short pirates carrying a treasure chest.  One of whom literally had the brains of a dog’s derriere, so they are very easy to catch.

As a large portion of the populations of countries that participate in Halloween find out exactly what being a zombie was like, an even larger portion discover the downside of dressing one’s baby as an inanimate object.

They are both lucky in that they are on the very short list of people a tiny vampire decides don’t appeal to her taste.

The curse lasts three hours.  The world is lucky that the guy who broke that vase was doing it while dressed as Indiana Jones, instead of his original plan (an ironic cabbage).  Indi, like a boy-scout, is always prepared, and it takes him three hours to super-glue the vase back together.

The zombies become very very traumatized people who have done very traumatizing things.  Most of the vegetables turn back into babies, with the exception of those whose parents thought it would be cute to dress up as an herbivore.

The death-toll caused by Amanda the vampire toddler was so high that it made the housing market bubble burst in Toronto.  Amanda’s dad is still a figurative ass, but her mom spent three hours as a queen, so she’s finally noticing that this is, in fact, a problem she doesn’t need to deal with.  This is the closest thing to a happy ending that this horrible evening can claim – just ask any of the guys who spent three hours as giant penises.

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