Property Lines


This week, we’re picking up with Agata.  You can probably read this one alone, but I’d suggest reading Crush, the previous one in this series of stories, just to be clear on how things got to this point.  If you want to read the entire series, click on the Fiction Tab above, and you’ll find all the links to the story under Which Witch.  As always, let me know what you think – and how you think it ought to be improved!

I’m using the prompt from Trifecta, and from Write on Edge for this.

Trifecta’s word was

MOUTH

1a : the natural opening through which food passes into the body of an animal and which in vertebrates is typically bounded externally by the lips and internally by the pharynx and encloses the tongue, gums, and teeth   b : grimace <made a mouth>   c : an individual requiring food <had too many mouths to feed> 2a : voice, speech <finally gave mouth to her feelings>   b : mouthpiece 3: something that resembles a mouth especially in affording entrance or exit: as
This week on Write at the Merge, the picture of a crumbling castle was what I took as inspiration.
I highly recommend checking out both sites, to submit your own prompt response or to read some of the great responses other people have submitted.

Agata rolled painfully to her feet, scattering debris.  Dust swirled through the maelstrom of berserker barbarians.  Agata caught glimpses of the ogre, green-gray skin covering boulder-like muscles, eerie catseye gleaming yellow in the dimness.

The battle wasn’t going well.  She sighed, narrowed her eyes, and, with intense focus, shook out an imaginary blanket.

As the barbarians painfully clambered to their feet, dazed and confused at their sudden fall, Agata strode purposefully towards the now-frozen ogre.

“Gragh, is it?”  The creature stared down at her, dumbfounded.  “Yes, you.  Gragh?”

Its voice rumbled thunderously.  “Ya, me is Gragh.  Who you?”

“Agata.  What do you want here?”

“Gragh-”

“It wants to eat us!  Kill it!”

Agata whirled and glared them into silence.

“GRAGH CRUSH!”  The ogre snarled at the barbarians, fighting the invisible bonds.

“But why?

Gragh’s brow creased in thought.  “Gragh want…”

Agata found herself nodding encouragement to the hulking creature.

“Gragh want No Bother GRAGH!”

“You came here.

“Dey is come first to Gragh sleep place and try hurt Gragh!”

At Agata’s accusing glare, the barbarians broke into a cacophony of denials and explanations like children caught with their hands in the mouth of the cookie jar.

“It took the castle on the mount!”  A blonde-haired hulk in a skunk-fur loincloth stepped forward.

“Did he kill the owner?”

“It’s, um, been abandoned for centuries, actually.  Terrible location, no water, no trees…”

“So what does it matter where he lives?”

“It eats people.  And sheep.

Agata turned her scowl on Gragh, who shook his head in denial.  “Gragh no eat animal-things.” He curled his lip in disgust.  “Gragh vegetable-arian.  And rocks.  Rocks crunchy yum.  Fuzzy Baaas no yum.”

“Here’s the deal – you leave people alone, and” she turned to scowl at the barbarians, “people stay away from your castle.  Shake on it,” she barked, commandingly.

Agata watched and spelled every hand-shake before approaching the ogre with a proposition.

In short order they were headed off, a witch and her ogre-guide through the mountains.

Advertisements
Previous Post

23 Comments

  1. 🙂 Agata is very wise.

  2. Draug419

     /  January 31, 2013

    This made me giggle (: I loved the negotiations.

  3. I think I have to agree, sheep sound like they’d be no good if you have to eat them with the wool on. This continues to be a really fun series.

  4. Haha “vegetable-arian”. Awesome.

  5. Okay, I’m giggling at Gragh. I can hear his voice perfectly. I especially love the “na Baas” line.

    I haven’t read the stuff before but I will be back too–I find myself very intrigued.

    As far as concrit goes, I don’t know if it was word count or described in an earlier scene, but I wanted to SEE scene of how the battle went badly, not have you tell me. There are also a few adverbs I don’t think you need that would tighten the scene more (i.e. “she barked, commandingly” –it’s implied by the bark she’s commanding).

    Just minor stuff. Like I said, this scene made me want to read the rest of the series….. when i get time.

    • “no Baas” Darn it. I hate typos.

    • I originally had a bit of a fight scene in there, but yeah, wordcount unfortunately had me cutting it. I’ll give you a bit of a visual, though – their swords and axes had about as much effect on him as they would on a boulder 😉
      Thanks for the concrit – I’ll have to do some editing of the final story for sure!

  6. Wise witch made a cute deal with the rock munching, vegetable-arian Ogre;-)I really loved the ” skunk-fur loincloth”-kept giggling trying to imagine it & the last scene where the Barbarians & the Ogre shook hands,lol!Good one!

    • If you read the previous post, yeah… the barbarians have faaar too much exposed skin, and teeny weeny loincloths are in. Though what skunk guy would smell like? I shudder to think.

      • LOL!Even I thought the same-though I have never laid eyes on a skunk-leave alone bathed in it’s “perfume”;-)

  7. AGHHHH, I love Agata, I can’t wait for more. 🙂

    • Thanks, I’m glad you’re enjoying the storyline. I’m enjoying writing it and have the next few scenes all planned out.

  8. How incredibly sensible of her. 🙂

  9. An unlikely pair, but I like her style.

  10. Peace in our time. 🙂 Can’t wait for the next chapter!

  11. What a pair they will make! I hope Gragh finds many rocks along their journey.
    ~Angela

%d bloggers like this: