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Write On Edge: Red-Writing-Hood

I’m doing something for the first time, here.  I’m continuing one of my previous Red Writing Hood prompt responses.  The other section of this story is here.  Just to clarify, for those of you who go back to read it (or not, really), they go through a bathroom stall and into a different world.  And they’re in elementary school in that part.  Fast-forward a few years, and they’re probably in grade 11 or 12 in this piece of the story, which is set inside the alternate world.

The prompt this week was:

This week we’d like you to stir up some conflict, using the following quote as inspiration.

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence. Mahatma Gandhi (1869 – 1948)

The word limit is 300.

Check out the other submissions here.

***

I’d been searching desperately for her for an hour, and there she was, in a bar.  Flirting.  The boy, heavily pierced elfin ears flashing in the strobing light of the bar, leaned in to speak.  The pounding of the harsh music matched the surging boil of my blood.

She giggled and teasingly punched the dark haired boy’s leather-clad arm.  He grinned , the scrollwork of silver and purple tattoos that trailed up his neck and along his hairline making him appear even more war-like than his fang-like teeth.  He tossed his head back to flick his long hair out of his face, and our eyes met for a moment over Joanna’s braid-strewn bird’s nest of hair.  I shivered.

“Joanna!” I yelled over the music, turning her by the arm.

She was drunk, her red-stained lips pulled wide in a rictus grin.  Her face was pale with powder, her eyes smudged purple.  She looked like a dead clown.

Joanna squealed in delight and threw her arms around me.  “You’re here!  Let’s dance!”

I didn’t move.  “What the hell?!  I was really worried when I got your text!”

Chill, Char.” She pronounced it with the same strong ‘ch’ as ‘chill’, a mean glint in her eyes.

As usual, I took the bait.

“It’s Char, like ‘sharp’, but without the ‘p’” I snapped.  “But you knew that.”

“GAD! You’re such a party-pooper, sharp-without-the-p,”  she rolled her eyes.  “Everything’s fine, so relax, enjoy the party!”

“I tell you I have to study, so you trick me.”

She smiled, but didn’t deny it.

“You’re so… SO Frustrating!  You know what?  I’ve had enough.” I looked into her unapologetic eyes, curled my lip in disgust, and spat, “SCREW YOU!”

So much for friendship, I thought bitterly, trudging back to the Necessary alone.

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26 Comments

  1. I love the idea of going into another world through a bathroom. Perfect for a YA or mid-grade novel (with some alterations for language or course)

    I love the play on the name and how it obviously irks the one character when it’s said wrong

    • You think that ‘screw you’ (the main one I could see in this post) would be too much for YA? That would probably be the direction i’d be heading, if I can get enough momentum in this plotline to write an actual novel of it.
      When I was in highschool, I had an english teacher (of all people!) who called me Alice (instead of Alex)… it sounds almost the same (and there was a girl in the class whose actual name was Alice), but it ISN’T. An entire term of me ignoring her or correcting her when she called me that, and she still called me Alice – hated her. Names can be a really touchy subject.

  2. Nicely done – you’ve used your dialogue to great effect here! I think my only offering in terms on concrit would be to drop the italics that you use for emphasis. You don’t need them! Your words are emphatic enough!

    🙂

    • thanks for the concrit. I find it really hard to judge whether the words alone will come across in the tempo (is that the right term? maybe. Cadence.) that I imagine in my mind.

  3. Lance

     /  February 24, 2012

    Excellent use of sensory words and dialogue. This was so easy to read and relate. MORE please….

    glad i found this place

  4. I definitely love the imagery here. This was a great piece of conflict.

  5. The best dialogue of the day. Also loved this line, “The pounding of the harsh music matched the surging boil of my blood.”

  6. Liked the way you set up the scene. I got a clear picture of the characters. And “screw you” isn’t to harsh for a YA novel!

    • thanks 🙂
      I’m thinking that if it were directed any younger than ya, then it would be too harsh. The sad thing is, you can just about guarantee they already know much worse language.

  7. Love the idea of this and where you went with it. I like “war-like” too close to “fang-like” is sticky, although I don’t know what would read better. Maybe instead of “fang-like teeth” go with “viper teeth”? Excellent display of righteous anger. Ready for more!

    • I hadn’t even noticed that… maybe carnivorous teeth? or just plain fangs… I’ll have to play around with it, but regardless – you’re right, thanks for pointing that out.

  8. I enjoyed this story. Very good.

  9. I really enjoyed reading this and even with the ‘screw you’ I think it would be a great YA. Kids say much worse 😉 Can’t wait to read more!

    • thanks! It’s true that they say worse, but the parents/teachers prefer not to give them additional reason to use the language, I guess.

  10. The Necessary is like the dirty uncle of The Room of Requirement, which is awesome. I like how you seem to be dealing with real life teen issues in a very unreal world setting.

    • HAH! I love that description of it 🙂 I hadn’t even thought of it that way before, but you’re right.

  11. I think that you captured the ‘frenemy’ aspect of their relationship quite well!

    • thanks! teen relationships of any kind are always so dramatic. Remembering some of the fights I had when I was in elementary school makes me cringe at the stupidity of it all, but by highschool, there was an awful lot to get upset about, it seemed.

  12. You never cease to amaze me with your descriptions. I could almost see the guy in front of me and I love this “she looked like a dead clown!”

    Great job Lexy!

    • Thanks! The guy will definitely come up again, I think. And I wanted the POV character to be just that angry that she was thinking nasty thoughts at the other character.

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