It’s time for more groupon shenanigans – after Christmas, after the three months I didn’t tell you about in which I was doing hot yoga (it’s awesome, I’m still doing it!), and fully time to embrace a relatively inexpensive 3 month membership at Premier Fitness.
I’m not exactly into the whole gym thing, but they have a lot of classes, including at least two spin classes each evening, so I jumped on the cheap membership. I jumped so hard that I dragged two of my friends along for the ride.
We went last night for the first time, showed up a half-hour before the Zumba class was scheduled to start. I figured that would be enough time. I figured, we show up, we hand them our printed out discount sheets, we get handed a three month pass with the expiration date on it, and we go Zumba-ing.
Too bad that Premier fitness is now Physiomed fitness, and Physiomed wants to make my life complicated.
Instead of flailing to the tune of dance music and a fiercely enthusiastic instructor with a thundering voice, we spent over an hour talking, sitting, getting a tour, and then sitting some more.
They wanted to know our fitness goals. They wanted us to sign up for the very low super special offer biweekly payment plan for our continued enrolment in Physiomed. They really didn’t seem to grasp that, when this Groupon is done, we’d be moving on to the next deal, not enrolling for another three months. The Hot Yoga classes were so enjoyable that I signed up for more, and will keep doing them – considering how pissed off I am, even the day after this waste-of-time experience, even if I fall in love with the gym and classes, I will not give them any more of my money.
When did I start considering joining a fitness club? When I found an online deal for it that would ensure that the fitness club never ever gets ahold of my credit card information, because I know how hard it is to stop them from direct-charging you when you want to quit.
What are my fitness goals? Get a bit more fit, do some classes.
How long is my goal-plan? Three months. (To which he responded that I’d need to be there 8 hours a day, every day, to achieve my goals. My goal is to be ‘more fit’, not ‘be like Arnold’)
When can you come in for your two day fitness evaluation? Cue screech of slammed brakes. Never? I don’t need one. I just want to take classes.
But it’s free! But I just want to take some classes… like the one we’re missing right now. And I don’t care what my resting heart rate is. Or the circumference of my thigh, calf or ankle. I can tell I’m getting more toned by how well my pants fit. And why do you have a chiropractor involved in this?
But it’s required. Seriously? I have to show up for two more non-exercising days before I can go to a Zumba class?
On Friday, I’ll be going in and seeing a chiropractor. I’d imagine the conversation will go something like this (bearing in mind I’ve never been to a chiropractor, and am not really sure what they do… but it sounds ominous, and I’m not a big fan of strangers touching me, and if the google-image search for chiropractor is anything to go by, there is lots of touching… and a fascination with spinal columns.):
I’m going to move your… no, don’t do that.
Well, then let’s see how far you can bend this way. Ok, I can do that myself.
… Meanwhile, I just keeeeeeeeeep bending (seriously, I’ve told you I’m bendy… it isn’t a lie.)
“Holy mother of god what’s wrong with you? What are you, Gumby?! Please stop!”
… and maybe they’ll discuss my posture. My mom once told me that in a room full of sitting people, you could pick out the people on my dad’s side of the family by finding the people with the most upright posture. At the church gathering after a family funeral, I saw the truth in this.
After that, I’ll be getting a base test of some sort, possibly involving a bike, and probably involving one of those peppy drill-sergeants whose classes I want to take instead of having my blood pressure taken after doing sit-ups.
And then I’ll need to come in on another day, where they might actually have me do actual exercising, the entire point of getting a deal for a gym membership.
Suffice to say – I will NOT be buying another gym membership deal… I’ll stick to the cross-fit, horseback riding and Jukari type things – all they require is a liability waiver.
All I want to do is be yelled at while flailing obediently along with the group and listening to upbeat music! Why is this so hard to understand?! Just let me Zumba.