It’s my Pity-Party

Shocking, I know… a second post in one day.  But how could I NOT share this?  Come on in and sit down… this is my pity party, and everyone’s invited.

I have a coworker who is, in my opinion, legitimately a crazy person.  As in – should be locked away before he shows up with a machete.  He doesn’t like me, partly because some of his past crazyness led to me complaining to my higher-ups, and partly because, the few times I’ve had to work with him, I’ve also had to either ask him a question about his work (because I didn’t understand it) or tell him that his work is wrong/not complete.  He doesn’t like being questioned, and sees it as a personal attack.

I may or may not go into the sordid details at a later date, but, suffice to say, my boss had to tell him that it is inappropriate to talk to yourself (particularly, talk about… what he was talking about…Think the guy from the Office Space movie… and then multiply by a bazillion) in a cubicle environment… and I am definitely the only one who could have been to blame for ‘telling on him’.

The result of these issues is that Crazypants* doesn’t like me.

And, apparently, his retribution today is to copy my coughing.

I am having some allergy issues today that mean that I’ve been alternating between trouble breathing, watering eyes, sneezing and… you guessed it… fits of dry coughing.  It feels like I coated my throat with sawdust, no matter how much water or tea I drink.

Before you start wondering if it might, perhaps, be me that is wearing the crazy pants in the room… I’ve gotta say – I performed a simple scientific experiment, and the results are conclusive.  You know in cartoons, when one character knocks, and mysteriously, the wall knocks back, the same knock?  Yeah.

I clear throat in a ‘two separate noises’ kind of way… and he does, immediately after.  Any cough, whether it be one, or a few in a row… is immediately, mockingly mimicked by Crazypants.  He also fake coughs in a kind of yappy-dog rapid-fire way every time he walks past my cubicle… while staring at me.   I couldn’t make this shit up.  And why would I?  There is plenty of ammunition without going into the realm of the imagination.  If I do imagine situations with this guy in them, it is in order to plot my escape route for the day he cracks.  I borrow the soundtrack to Indiana Jones for it.

We could consider the version of events in which he doesn’t like noises, and is trying to (impolitely) embarass me into silence…

But this is the guy who snorks, snerks, hocks and spits his way through the day (yup, right there at his desk… ), EVERY DAY, and has continued his talking-to-himself, albeit in a more Rated G manner.  If anyone should be trying to force silence on a cubicle-wall-sharer… it should be me.  I bought noise-reducing earbuds to reduce the number of times I uncontrollably cringe or feel the flesh crawling up my back each day.

oh, if only that were an option. Unfortunately, along with all his marbles... he lost the receipt

*names have been changed to protect the criminally insane.  And to protect me, in the event that Crazypants isn’t at war with the internet for not giving him exactly what he was looking for, immediately, when he typed his demands into Google.  “I typed cheeseburger, where is my cheeseburger, slave-bot?!”

I bet he mockingly flips over an hour-glass every time the computer slows up and flashes the loading-hour-glass.

Thanks for coming to the Pity Party.  I bet the unreasonable complaints you’ve heard/had about today don’t seem so unreasonable, knowing that somewhere out there, a girl trying to set fire to a man with the force of her brain… because he’s cough-ying her.



  1. Wow, that sucks. I think you should buy a fart machine (or eat a can of beans and be the DIY er.) At the very least I would try and have fun with him.

    When you cough, see if you can manage to do it in some semblence of a song.

    When you sneeze or burp make sure to be loud and try and make your burp say something. My hubby routinely says “Ah Sh*t” when he sneezes. While I realize that is not appropriate for the work place, you get my drift.

    I know you will come up iwth a creative way to put this ass monkey in ihs place.

    • haha, hilarious! I will avoid getting on your nerves, to avoid getting hardcore pranked in retribution 😛

  2. He’s lucky he isn’t in the cubicle next to me. He would be “coughing” all day long. I dare him to keep up. Yep I can be a crazy pants too. 😉

    • Hahaha! I say you take this suggestion! High road vs. Beating him at his own game is such a touch decision.

      • the high road is so much mroe fun, though, if it makes the other person irritated. or is it a high-road at that point?

    • haha, I definitely coughed more often than necessary after realizing that I had an echo. I mean, seriously… if you’re going to make unnecessary cough-noises, I’ll join in… but how is it helping you, really?

  3. ohhhh. man. that sucks. I’m not supposed to be on blogs today, yet, I had to read this! Cubicle neighbors sometimes are the worst. We’ve all been there.

    just ask him straight out “Are you mimicing me?” He might laugh at you, but maybe then he’ll stop.


    • He’s an odd enough person, he’d probably not acknowledge me talking to him. He hasn’t acknowledged a ‘hello’ or ‘goodmorning’ from me since he got ‘told’ by my boss to stop with the crazy-talk (boss probably used politer terms… probably)… so clearly his solution for his dislike for me is behind my back or ignore the issue.

  4. Jeesh. Sounds as if he needs to grow up. How old is he, five?

    • Apparently. If he starts following me around poking my shoulder, I’ll know for sure that he’s 5… and that this five year old kind of has a thing for me (*shudders)

  5. You need to raise the ante. Bust ass loudly tomorrow. If he does it back, be like, “DISGUSTING, DUDE!” as if you didn’t do it first yourself. And if he doesn’t do it back, then call him on it. “What? Did I finally stump you?”

    • haha… I can be like, “um… dude… girls Don’t have gas… so it had to have been you. Yeah… beat that argument”

  6. oh man, that’s funny–except, it’s also completely *un*funny, and I feel for you. (I hope I’m not falling into the Crazypants category with that sentence…) Bad allergies are bad enough, without a maniac mockingbird. This sounds like a classic little-kid, attention-grabbing move. Maybe ignoring him would take the wind out of his sails? Of course, the cold shoulder isn’t very satisfying in a case like this.

    P.S. Your last sentence reminds me of this:
    I don’t suppose you watch The Big Bang Theory? 🙂

    • I do… exploding his head would be awesome. I was thinking of the movie “Accepted”… and the guy who wanted to learn to set things on fire with his brain. at the end of the movie, he sets a car on fire 😛 But now, I like the sheldon version more. I shall focus, and one day, he’ll just go HEADSPLODE! and I’ll be all innocent and in the next cubicle, baffled as to how grey matter ended up on the walls, and grateful for the tall cubicle walls protecting me from being in the spatter zone 😀

  7. Rachel

     /  August 9, 2011

    Oh, good old crazypants. Everybody’s got one at their office, but I have to say your office seems to be infested with the worst kind of crazypants. My apologies. I imagine your friend looking like Dwight Schrewt.

    • I wish he did… it would have been more apparent, when i first started, that there was a crazypants among us! Crazypantses (or however you pluralize that) should be more easily identified… so that when you start at an office, you can look around at all the people, and say, ‘Yup… you and i… we aren’t goign to get along… because I put my pants on one sane leg at a time… and you jump into the crazy pants with both feet.’

  8. Hahaha! You should mess with crazy pants! Mention you notice he has been coughing and hand him a lemon tea! It will confuse the heck out of him 😉

    • lol, I like that idea! or cough drops 😛 and a “maybe you should get that checked out. It’s kind of distracting.”

  9. TheIdiotSpeaketh

     /  August 10, 2011

    You need me to take care of him for ya? I know people…who know people..who know people….that can get that kind of problem “resolved” for ya….if ya know what I mean……. It would be no problem really….just say the word….. 🙂

    • I feel like I missed the post where you switched from Pirate to mobster… or do pirates have the same kinds of friens of friends? I appreciate the offer, but am nervous of having pirate-friends invade my office… 😀

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