Shocking, I know… a second post in one day. But how could I NOT share this? Come on in and sit down… this is my pity party, and everyone’s invited.
I have a coworker who is, in my opinion, legitimately a crazy person. As in – should be locked away before he shows up with a machete. He doesn’t like me, partly because some of his past crazyness led to me complaining to my higher-ups, and partly because, the few times I’ve had to work with him, I’ve also had to either ask him a question about his work (because I didn’t understand it) or tell him that his work is wrong/not complete. He doesn’t like being questioned, and sees it as a personal attack.
I may or may not go into the sordid details at a later date, but, suffice to say, my boss had to tell him that it is inappropriate to talk to yourself (particularly, talk about… what he was talking about…Think the guy from the Office Space movie… and then multiply by a bazillion) in a cubicle environment… and I am definitely the only one who could have been to blame for ‘telling on him’.
The result of these issues is that Crazypants* doesn’t like me.
And, apparently, his retribution today is to copy my coughing.
I am having some allergy issues today that mean that I’ve been alternating between trouble breathing, watering eyes, sneezing and… you guessed it… fits of dry coughing. It feels like I coated my throat with sawdust, no matter how much water or tea I drink.
Before you start wondering if it might, perhaps, be me that is wearing the crazy pants in the room… I’ve gotta say – I performed a simple scientific experiment, and the results are conclusive. You know in cartoons, when one character knocks, and mysteriously, the wall knocks back, the same knock? Yeah.
I clear throat in a ‘two separate noises’ kind of way… and he does, immediately after. Any cough, whether it be one, or a few in a row… is immediately, mockingly mimicked by Crazypants. He also fake coughs in a kind of yappy-dog rapid-fire way every time he walks past my cubicle… while staring at me. I couldn’t make this shit up. And why would I? There is plenty of ammunition without going into the realm of the imagination. If I do imagine situations with this guy in them, it is in order to plot my escape route for the day he cracks. I borrow the soundtrack to Indiana Jones for it.
We could consider the version of events in which he doesn’t like noises, and is trying to (impolitely) embarass me into silence…
But this is the guy who snorks, snerks, hocks and spits his way through the day (yup, right there at his desk… ), EVERY DAY, and has continued his talking-to-himself, albeit in a more Rated G manner. If anyone should be trying to force silence on a cubicle-wall-sharer… it should be me. I bought noise-reducing earbuds to reduce the number of times I uncontrollably cringe or feel the flesh crawling up my back each day.
*names have been changed to protect the criminally insane. And to protect me, in the event that Crazypants isn’t at war with the internet for not giving him exactly what he was looking for, immediately, when he typed his demands into Google. “I typed cheeseburger, where is my cheeseburger, slave-bot?!”
I bet he mockingly flips over an hour-glass every time the computer slows up and flashes the loading-hour-glass.
Thanks for coming to the Pity Party. I bet the unreasonable complaints you’ve heard/had about today don’t seem so unreasonable, knowing that somewhere out there, a girl trying to set fire to a man with the force of her brain… because he’s cough-ying her.