Letter from the B Hive

A letter to the devils-spawn busybody who upset my sister:

Dear Ass-face,

Can I call you Ass-face?  I know we’ve never met, but I feel like I know you well enough to call you by your true name.  After all, if it is your God-given (or would it be Satan-given?) right to shove your nose and your giant gaping anus-mouth into my family, then I really think we should be on a first-name basis.  Oh, you don’t know who I am… right, well, let me introduce myself.  Your kind (devil-spawned-stupid-people) know me as “You Bitch” (present!), or, “You can’t talk to me that way!” (but I can, and will), or “How DARE you!” (conversely, Ass-face, how dare you?).  Great, now you’re feeling that dawning recognition – you’ve either met me or someone very like me – someone who doesn’t suffer fools easily, and, given the chance, will tear a strip off you, verbally.

Perhaps you don’t know why I’m writing to you.  Well, of course not, after all, my sister isn’t anything like me – she doesn’t have a bitchy bone in her body, and can barely even pull off ‘snarky’ on her worst day.  You didn’t actually meet her, so you wouldn’t know that she’s sweet, timid, and easily upset, even by stupid people (like you).

I doubt this description is letting the light go off in your head – after all, you’re rather dense (like lead), and you didn’t actually bother to stop and think before you acted. 

If you had thought, before you acted upon your moronic instincts, you would have seen this scene:

A very petite and young-looking (my 21 year old sister looks about 13) girl is standing outside the public library with a dog.  The dog is sitting staring raptly at the library.  He is fairly well-groomed (though perhaps he’s too scruffy overall for that to be apparent), and if he were being starved or over-fed, the thick fur would mask that.  FYI, he isn’t starved or stuffed, he’s at an ideal doggy weight.  It is lightly raining, and he is staring at the library, and sobbing.  Whimpers and louder noises that are best described as sobs are emanating from this dog that is sitting otherwise peacefully and relaxedly beside this girl, who isn’t doing anything but standing there.  She is probably feeling a bit sorry for herself, since she is standing outside in the rain, and she really doesn’t like the rain.  The dog doesn’t like it either.

Numerous other people have passed this very same scene, and have thought something along these lines:  Poor dog, he’s so sad!  Wait, there isn’t anything apparently wrong with him… maybe he just makes that noise… or maybe he misses the person that this little girl is waiting for.  I can understand why they didn’t just tie him outside and both go inside.  The little girl is being nice by waiting outside in the rain with her dog.  Oh, wow, I’m well past them, and I’m going to resume thinking about my own issues…

Now you, apparently, got stuck on the poor dog, he’s crying and sad part of this, and then, your imbecilic thought process took you elsewhere, and you thought something along these lines:  if the dog is crying, he must be hurt.  That tiny young-looking girl is standing next to him, she must be the one to blame.  She must be a cruel and terrible person, standing outside in the rain, not doing anything to that dog, while he cries so pitifully.  And then, you opened your gaping anus-mouth, and shoved your giant beak of a nose right in where it doesn’t belong, and you spewed filth all over my baby sister.

You, from your high horse, and without any background information, sneered and glared and shouted “Dog Abuser!” at the girl standing in the rain holding the leash of her sister’s whimpering dog.  And, just in case you actually think that what you said doesn’t have any impact, I‘d like it to be clear that it did hurt her, and that she is still upset by it. 

Also, in case you have a soul (and I do want you to feel bad about this), she and my other sister were doing me a favour by walking the dog, because my epic run-in with gravity on Wednesday night left me barely-able to perform even a basic dragging-leg-zombie-walk for a few days.  The library was part of that favour.  They kept going even after it started raining, because they wanted to be helpful.

With that, I’ll leave you (hopefully wallowing in guilt), for now.  But know this: if I ever get a hold of you, I won’t stop verbally lashing you until you’re a sobbing quivering puddle in a public place, as punishment for the bile you spewed on my sister.   


Latest Queen B in a LONG line of Queen Bs (who are all out to get you, even the dead ones)

“we bring the ‘iatch’ to the B hive”

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  1. That was a great letter! Being the dog lover (and champion) that I am, I would be one of those people who would feel sorry for the dog; but I would ask “the little girl” if everything was ok and if she needed help.

    One time I got into a fight with a man at the local Sam’s Club who had his dog in the back of an open pick-up truck during a winter rain storm. I asked him if he was going to put the dog inside the cab and he said no. Needless to say I had something to say to him.

    Some people just don’t have the brains they were born with. I hope you catch the ass-face.

    • I can appreciate people who ask if everything is alright – If you had been there, and asked, you’d have learned that he cries at everything, including being unable to keep up with another dog in a game of chase, being given a treat that he wants to hide (but can’t find a good place to hide it that is secret enough), and when he sees a squirrel in our back yard.
      I can understand people being concerned – it does sound awful – but from what I can figure, it’s just his way of vocalizing his complaints. His actual pain-noises are like a spike driving through my forehead, and I’ve thankfully only heard the full-out banshee wail once, and got his leg out of the twist of metal he’d gotten it into very very quickly.
      There really are far too many people out there who just don’t think… whether it’s by accusing someone of doing something terrible, or doing something terrible (like your winter trucker) without understanding that it’s a bad thing. It would be nice to give that woman a piece of my mind… make her feel worse than my sister did, even if she doesn’t learn any lesson from it.

  2. I can see where people can jump to conclusions, but they should inquire before assuming anything. It’s Because of dumb ass people like this following scenario:

    Apparently, people visiting the amusement park 6 Flags Magic Mountain, used to stop on the way into or out of town, and just left their pets inside the car while they disappeared on a roller coaster fun filled day. Well, Magic Mountain is in the desert and it’s REALLY VERY HOT! Animals will not survive in the car, even with windows cracked. It gets like 100-110 degrees during the summer.

    I guess this became a problem (really? stupid people?), and the amusement park actually built an on-site FREE pet kennel in their parking lot. We found this out recently when we took our family and had the dog and checked out of our hotel. The security guard working the site, doesn’t do anything with your pet. The owners need to take a break, and take a tram back to the lot and relieve their animal for potty breaks, but at least they have a cool building you provide food & water that you can leave with them. This enabled us to hit the park one more time before going home.

    It never even occured to us to leave our dog in the auto all day! Yet, it was an ISSUE Magic Mountain management had- to figure out how to avoid dead pets. REALLY? That many people were idiots? It’s because of people like that, other pet lovers jump to conclusions and assume the worst of all scenarios.

    Again, they should have inquired instead of being mean. Sorry your sister was on the receiving end. 😦


  3. TheIdiotSpeaketh

     /  May 9, 2011

    Great post Lexy! I wish I had you as an older Sister!

  4. Kristine

     /  May 9, 2011

    Ugh!!! This is the exact thing I rant about all the time. Was the woman beating on the dog with a stick? No? Then maybe something else is going on there. Maybe instead of shouting at people, maybe it’s better to politely ask if there is anything you can do to help.

    This drives me absolutely insane. I feel for your sister because a small part of me does still take this personally, even though the larger part of me knows it is so meaningless. It wasn’t about your sister, it was about that guy feeling entitled to shout at a young woman on the street. Would he have done that had your sister been a man? I doubt it.


    • I have to agree – if my sister didn’t look like the least confrontational person ever, that woman wouldn’t have had the guts to shout that. And, if she’s so sure that abuse is going on, shouldn’t she do more than yell from a distance?
      My dog does make a pretty pitiful noise when he’s trying to express his sadness/confusion/general “hello” – but he wasn’t even pulling on the leash – making no attempt to ‘get away from the mean girl who is hurting me’. And simply asking about it would have cleared things up entirely, rather than shouting accusations but not actually acting on it.
      If a kid is crying and screaming and trying to run away from their parent… you don’t assume they’re being abused, you assume they’re throwing a temper-tantrum. But apparently, if a dog is whimpering, but otherwise not unhappy, it must be abused. If that’s the case, then every dog who has ever cried when his owner won’t give him another treat is being abused.

      • Kristine

         /  May 11, 2011

        Exactly. The woman was just being a gigantic jerk for absolutely no reason at all. She is obviously very, very sad.

        My dog often whines if I am standing around waiting. Not because she is being abused but because I am making her sit in one spot when she would rather be moving. It doesn’t mean anything other than my dog can be very impatient and doesn’t understand why she can’t get everything she wants all the time.

        • I’m really happy to hear that I’m not the only one whose dog whines when only mildly displeased with life (not just when in agonizing pain and misery)… Gwynn definitely questions my desire to restrain him from doing what he wants – like going into ‘no dogs allowed’ stores, and sniffing through strangers’ back yards.

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